Humor: Hot Off The Press

Hot off the Press

· March Planned For Next August
· Blind Bishop Appointed To See
· Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -- Thief Gives Police The Slip
· L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
· Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
· Latin Course to Be Canceled--No Interest among Students, Et Al.
· Diaper Market Bottoms Out
· Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest
· Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
· Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
· Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
· Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
· Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
· Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
· Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
· 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
· War Dims Hope For Peace
· Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
· Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
· Alcohol ads promote drinking.
· Official: Only rain will cure drought.
· Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men.
· Man shoots neighbor with machete.
· Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows.
· Scientists see quakes in L.A. future.
· Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold.
· Bible church's focus is the Bible.
· Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity.
· Lack of brains hinders research.
· Fish lurk in streams.
· Our experienced mother will care for your child. Fenced yards, meals and smacks included.
· Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
· Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion.
· We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
· For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
· Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
· Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
· Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
· 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
· Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.
· Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.
· Illiterate? Write today free help.
· Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
· Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
· Stock up and save. Limit: one.
· Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
· For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
· Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
· Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.